I realize I haven't been updating my thoughts and struggles like I started doing. And no, I'm not going to give you the bull crap excuse of not having enough time. Because that's just what it is, bull.
It definitely would be easier to say and to sell. But it's not the truth. No, the truth is, I ran. I ran from everything. Especially from my relationship with The Lord. Today was the first time in 6 months that I had been back to church. And I gotta tell ya, it was incredible! It was breath taking, refreshing, and scary. It was what I was missing for so long, but it felt, and still feels like the end. Those last 6 months was painful and hard. Every day my heart longed for God, but my selfish pride and I kept running.
And to be honest, I'm still running. I've slowed down to start praying for forgiveness, but I'm still struggling to turn around and run back. I visited a different church this morning, instead of my home church, and it was such a blessing to hear Brother Johnathan speak the Word of God. First time I had been to church in 6 months and God already knew what He needed to say to get to the center of my heart. It wasn't pleasant and not what I wanted to hear, but it was what I needed. I have ran from God most of my life, and He sought after me without ceasing. I went to Him humbly at first, and my affections for Him burned so strongly. But, God had shown me that my burning affections had turned conditional. Meaning, my behavior had changed, but not my heart. My love for Christ had become negotiable, a bargaining chip. It failed; my heart, pride and I had turned to anger and despair. I had ultimately decided that if God didn't want to answer, then we'd live without Him. And thus, I began to run again. That in and of itself is a wreck just waiting to happen, and trust me it did. I'm running, and the fruit has turned rotten, and it can be seen. Everything that I am going through is because I chose myself over The One True God, who loves me so much that He died on the cross for me and my sins.
Earlier when I said it felt and still feels like the end, I meant because it is the end. Laying down your old self and picking up the cross and following God, means the end to your previous sins and becoming Christ-like. It's a transformation. The truth is, that there will always be a time when I will pick flight over fight. But, God knows that. He died on that wooden cross, because He knew every sin that I had done, am doing, and will do. God never stops pursuing us. His love is perfect and fierce.
